i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
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We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
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I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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