I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
