i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
