So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
