Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
