i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
