You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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