Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
