I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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