The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
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I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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