Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
