Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
This is classic penis vs brain.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
