First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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