I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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