No stitches, just platelets and will power
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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