I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Someone came in the potted fern
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
