You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
