I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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