note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.