The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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