Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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