i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
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I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
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I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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