The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.