I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's