How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.