I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important