I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
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Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
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He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it