I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
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I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
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He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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