I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..