i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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