Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
