My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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