Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
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I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
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My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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