Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
