they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
