So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
where does the pee come out of this thing
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
