Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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