If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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