Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
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We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
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Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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