Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
