Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
