We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
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I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
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as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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