why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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