Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
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Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
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In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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