fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
