we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
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i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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