If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
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