You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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