She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
21 Disappointing Confessions From Teenage Fathers
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.