I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
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Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
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The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
i now understand why vodka
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept