Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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