puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
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God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
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I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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