There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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