Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
