I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
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Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
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It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize